127: "You are perfect even while in progress." Self care and life lessons of a military spouse with Mariavictoria Caldona Bennett

Jen Amos 0:00

All right. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of our award winning podcast show holding down the fort. I am your Creator, and co host, Dr. Amos. And as always, I have my incredible co host with me, Jenny Lynch troupe Jennylyn. Welcome back.

Unknown Speaker 0:12

Hey, glad to be here today.

Jen Amos 0:14

Yes, and we're so excited because we have a another local, I'd like to say in Virginia Beach slash Norfolk, that is joining us on our show today. And as I start to anticipate my move back to Virginia Beach, at least at the time of this recording, I am trying to remember like all the people we interviewed on our show that are also in Virginia Beach, so they have to reach out to me now and try to start building that local network, which I'm really, really, really excited for. But all that being said, let me go ahead and introduce you all to our guests right here on hold down the fort. We have Maria Victoria, called Donna Bennett, who is a busy mom of two under a military spouse with a diversity of projects from remote work to digital creations, and also doing volunteer work with brute force, which is an amazing organization that Scott and I happen to be really good friends with Kimber Hill who is a creator of that. So shout out to Kimber, also, you're currently a developmental psychology college student. And so without further ado, Maria Victoria, welcome to hold on the fourth. Yeah, and so let's go ahead and start off obviously, there's a lot of things going on that you're juggling at the moment. So I want to start by asking you the question, what is holding down the fort look like for you nowadays, and basically, what I'm asking you is give us a snapshot of your life. Basically,

Speaker 1 1:24

first and foremost is, of course, making sure that I'm taking care of myself in my mental health. So that I can be able to pour into others pour into myself so I can pour into others would that be like, you know, those around me my friendships? My husband? And my kids? Of course, yeah. For me, that sums it about and just, you know, doing my daily things, I got to do, like, you know, schoolwork or just household stuff, because I don't really have much going on. Besides that since you know, the pandemic and everything.

Jen Amos 1:50

en I was thinking about like,: 2020

Speaker 1 2:24

Yes, I actually been exploring my creative side again, with like, different art forms where the sketching, found something with painting and I forgot what it was called, but I'm hoping I can get into that as well as getting back into playing guitar as well. Oh, fun. Yes, different things. Yeah.

Jen Amos 2:41

Always try to keep myself mentally busy during the pandemic. Um, how about you any thoughts? Anything you want? Anything you want to add?

Speaker 2 2:47

You remember? No, that I'm not mentally busy. That is the one thing that is always busy is the things inside my head? Lots of thoughts all the time. But I mean, yeah, I got a job during the pandemic. So you know, it's been pretty busy PCs to kids in school has been out to see Never a dull moment here.

Jen Amos 3:05

Genuine that is why I like your sleeping regimen. Because it just seems like it's like that time where you hyper focus on just like mentally shutting down for the day. And I know for myself, that is something I need to do a better job at because like, literally last night, I was up to like 2am like telling myself it was time to shut down but I felt like there was always something else I needed to find to do before I shut down.

Speaker 1 3:26

On the same way I usually like have like a never ending list of things to do. And like if I think about it at that moment, like I got to do but then I've learned actually pretty recently, just darkening everything not having nightlights because I used to like as weird as that sounds, but yeah, like, it helps to like shift the mood and the atmosphere and I'm able to like sleep really fast. So I don't know if that could probably help. I don't know.

Jen Amos 3:51

Yeah, I just it's so funny how having this continuation of asleep regimen, but you know, thinking about like having like sleeping pills and you know, weighted blankets and I cover and you know, like would you call those blackout curtain? curtains? Yeah, blackout curtains, like that's something I definitely need to have. But you know, as I start to anticipate this move back to Virginia Beach, I'm going to start to envision like the perfect sleeping room. Anyway, other than that, let me go ahead and move forward.

Speaker 2 4:17

With the book. That's all you really need. You just need a book before bed. Just off from your own thoughts. And it's fiction, you can only read fiction at night, don't read something where you have to learn something from dizzy. That's a good idea.

Jen Amos 4:32

Yeah, so thank you, Maria Victoria, for giving us a snapshot of your life today. One thing we talked about offline that I think is you know, worth bringing up now is how, you know, as a military spouse, you're mentioning offline, like how there are different seasons in your life different, you know, chapters, etc, etc. And one thing that you have recently come to learn for yourself is to be gentle with yourself with every season of your life. So tell us a little bit more about that and kind of how you came to that epiphany to just be more gentle with yourself.

Speaker 1 4:58

Oh my actually came about it through, believe it or not a therapy session with a counselor that I am actually currently seeing right now of virtually. So she looked okay to tell me everything that's going on. So I listed a bunch of problems. And she's like, Yeah, you just towards the end of the session, she said something along the lines of remember this, you are perfect even while in progress. But also remember that while you're going through your, you know, your progress and your processing of past trauma, and even just the ups and downs of life, that you have to be gentle and give yourself grace, because, I mean, like, we're living in a society where we are constantly bombarded with images and media of what it's supposed to look like. But honestly, like, that's a false massage. Like, that's just a false false image. And there's like, just high pressure. So add that into being in the military community, you think you got to keep it all together. And that's just not the truth. That's not true. And I think that's probably why a lot of people are not wanting to go out there, even the for COVID, to make, you know, the effort to connect with people. And so that's why I think there's a lack of connectivity with, you know, even in the military community with base housing, at least for me, but I'm learning that

Jen Amos 6:14

Yeah, yeah, I like how you kind of mentioned that like, because we sort of portray ourselves as like, super busy all the time. It's, in fact caused us to be more disconnected with each other. You know, there's not that relatability of like, Yeah, but I have down days to, you know, I have days where I like, absolutely do nothing. But if you know, if you are observing someone just purely on what they post on social media, it's easy to kind of just see them in a certain light that doesn't actually represent them as a whole. Jamie Lynch, just want to check in with you. You know, Maria Victoria said, the magical words of mental health and therapy, so I'm sure you have something to add to that.

Speaker 2 6:47

I mean, who doesn't love a good counselor, I had counseling just this morning. And it's great. No, really what I was thinking when she said, you know, you about being in progress, like one of the things that I love about like the 12 step program, and that one of the slogans is progress, not perfection, and they spell perfection with a K, which, as a recovering perfectionist drives me insane. Also, that's the whole point is that, like, you know, you're a work in progress, and you don't have to be perfect. You know, and this reminds me a little bit of a previous episode we did where we talked about, like online imaging, and how we portray ourselves and how, you know, I was very upfront about saying, like, look, you're not gonna find a picture of me that I don't have my hair done and my makeup on, because that's just how I am every day, look, woman, let's be honest, not every day. But if I'm putting a picture on the internet, like, that's what it's gonna look like. And also, I can still be transparent and vulnerable about things in my life. But this is the image that I want, you know, want to put out there. And so I think it's really important to continue to have that conversation about, like, all this stuff on mine is not, it's the highlight reel, even with folks who are being vulnerable. And I say that, as someone who writes and puts my words on the internet for people to read about hard things like that. I'm very transparent about, you know, it's still the hard that I was willing to write about that day. Like, there's plenty of hard that, you know, I talked to my counselor about full stop.

Jen Amos 8:15

Yeah, and then something I think that you know, like, I love how you always like to wear makeup all the time genuine. But there's more to that. It's not just like you trying to, like put this exterior out there. It's really your self care. It's really for you to feel good about yourself. And if people were to just judge you for what you posted on social media, they would probably think otherwise, they wouldn't think that is for your own self care. Hmm, absolutely. I

Speaker 2 8:38

know. Do you like my fancy new earrings today? They're so fun. Just for me, I bought myself a fall presents are shiny and have feathers.

Jen Amos 8:46

I love it. I like stick to like certain jewelry just because like I know that it especially if it's big as that I forget to take it off. And then I end up breaking it or something or losing it. It's really bad. Like I am awful with jewelry. So but anyway,

Speaker 1 8:59

no, totally well, going back on her makeup. I'm not like really random. But I think that's a good idea. Because I always have the initial thought of like, Why do my friends wear makeup or you know, especially moms. And when I became a mom, like, that's a good thing to take time to actually do things for yourself. It's not selfish. It's self care. And it's good for you. Because like I said, to setting that foundation for you to be able to pour into others. So how do I say what was the word you can only give as well as you feel? I don't know if that makes any sense.

Jen Amos 9:30

Yeah, it's kind of like how you can only give as I really like that because it's kind of that saying that goes. Instead of saying hurt people hurt people. It's more like healed people heal people. And I think that's what you're saying. It's kind of like, you know, based on like you can give based on how good you feel about yourself, in a sense. Yeah, so I'm Maria Victoria. Well, as we were talking offline, I feel like there is just so much life lessons that you have gained on your journey so far as a military spouse. So I feel like right now it's really we're just having this conversation to share a couple of them You know, life lessons. And one of the other ones that you had shared with us is, as a military spouse, you have learned that you have to be open minded to different cultures and perspectives. So tell us a little bit more about that, and kind of how you came that realization.

: 10:15

Um, I came to that realization, because number one, it is, oh my gosh, where I start. First and foremost is because of my family's culture. So like, I'll try to remember what I am. That's really bad. Um, my mom and dad are both Filipino. So they're, you know, they're pretty cool. And they're laid back and show but it wasn't until like, I experience having kids, and then like gaining weight. And I coming back home to my hometown, seeing firsthand the, the viewpoints that are different from that in my parents, because they're different. Like, I'm not gonna say who it is, it is basically the generation before my parents, I went through a lot of scrutiny for my weight, and I worked hard to lose it. And honestly, it was so heart wrenching to hear those kind of words from not only certain family members, but also family friends, and they would I've experienced to where they would stand in front my face, and they'll say, oh, it's only because we love you. But then I'll go to my parents and be like, why would they say, you know, let in front of my face are like, well, yes, to understand is different. That's the reason why we don't say those things are funny, because that's not what we believe we love you for who you are. And that you, we believe you're on a journey. So it's different. And then experiencing my husband's side of the family, which is totally understanding open minded just about everything. And he's actually French. So I learned a lot from there. And then lastly, being married someone an altar, I realized there's different people from different walks of life. And that helped me to understand that I can't just see it from my perspective. And that even if I don't agree with certain things about people, or their beliefs, I have to be open minded. And that's, you know, that's how you I don't know, I guess for the, yeah, understanding compassion, because you need to people need to be more empathetic. And I really want to portray that. When people meet me, like, I want a person to say like, Oh, she's understanding she heard me out. I don't want to person I never try to represent myself as someone fake. You know, I'm very transparent. I'm very respectable. And understanding. So yeah, that's,

Jen Amos: 12:17

I love that. Well, thank you for sharing. And I'm also a fellow Filipino. So hey, and I can completely relate to the story of, you know, relatives just straight up saying, you know, you gained weight, like you're fat, you know, like, I especially got it for 10 for my mom, who is an immigrant from the Philippines. And, you know, there's just one story that keeps coming up in my mind, like, the last time I was really at a family party, was when it was like, the first time in a while I had seen these relatives. And it was the first time where I felt like I chose the attire I wanted to wear, like, I was gonna wear jeans instead of dresses, which is what they're used to me seeing. And, you know, for once, I felt like, oh, like, you know, jeans and a blazer, I feel like an adult now, like, now my family can see me as an adult. But then, like, the entire time I was at this party, you know, my grandma was like, You look so different. I don't know why. And then she asked me that, again, the 100th time at this party. And eventually my mom was like, oh, it's because she got fat. And I was like, Wow, thanks, mom. And, you know, one thing that I feel like I've learned just kind of maybe what you gathered as well is that, you know, at least with like, in the Filipino culture coming from the Philippines asking like, you know, often they asked, like, are you hungry? Or Did you eat yet? Actually, it's always like, Did you eat yet? And I think part of that is just, you know, showing that they care and making sure that you're fed and what have you. But, you know, if you are Americanized, you know, in a sense, and empathy and sensitivity and feelings are, you know, normalized in American society, that can come off really offensive, when someone just tells you, you know, that you're fat, or that tell you that you have gained weight. And so I think like, the beauty of being in the military community is probably like, the most diverse community out there, I think in in America, at least. And like you come across people from all walks of life, and you start to realize that, you know, maybe there are some cultures who also share that same experience of, you know, fat shaming, or body shaming, in a sense, or, you know, some people who revere being a little heavy, right. And so I like that, in your experience, and also sounding like you are in an interracial marriage to understand that, like, you know, your family and your experiences with your family. And culture is not like a blanket statement of all of America or all of the military. It's kind of like, oh, like I was raised this way, but in hearing other people's cultures, like, you know, it's not so bad, or I can have a bigger perspective of this and realize that, you know, yeah, maybe my grandparents didn't mean to ask that in an offensive way. Maybe they meant it that way.

: 14:44

Yeah, I mean, just speaking about it. I don't know. Like, it brings back a lot of memories, even when I was in my early 20s. And my grandparents would have people over and they would like talk with their little friends. And they would be like, oh, so how is your grandson the pilot And do you think so and so would want to talk to, I think my grandmother was talking to her best friend who's also Filipino, and trying to get her granddaughter to meet my brother at that time to prove, you know, and I was like, I never realized that, I guess, arrange arrangements, were still a thing. And then just like, like, threw me back, like, so bad. I was like, Okay.

Jen Amos: 15:26

I'm here, like, choosing my love. And there are some people still getting, you know, getting assigned in a sentence and getting set up. And, yeah, I mean, that much is still a thing. I mean, it is quite fascinating to know that, I mean, actually, this is like, I feel like this is like, not really like a military related conversation. But I think it's still worth talking is like, the reality is, you know, it's only really in the last century, I believe, where people married for love, but if you look at like, all parts of the world, and even historically, like, people would get married for like alliances or political reasons, or, you know, from our land. And so it is interesting, when, you know, we kind of benefited from this, you know, generation of choosing for love. And then yet yet, you know, we still, we still hear that there's like such things as arranged marriages. It's quite astounding.

: 16:12

It is. It's just, it's shocking, but the same time interesting to see that happen. But I'm just gonna say I'm glad that America is so diverse, and that there's options. I'm just gonna Yeah.

Jen Amos: 16:25

Happy. Yeah, for sure. Genuine how to jump off, but we can continue our conversation. So don't like looks like she had to. Okay, no worries. Cool. So it's just, it's you and I today? Awesome. Well, yeah, no, I think that's a very fascinating conversation to have, and to observe. And, you know, it's part of like, you know, for someone such as myself, I grew up as a military child for the first 10 years of my life. And 20 plus years later, I meet my, you know, husbands who was already a veteran, and the work we do today, is focused on the military community. And so, you know, even without having our business, working with the military community, I like still being associated with the military community, because of its overall diversity. And despite all that, to still work as a unit, and to still, you know, help one another. And then even if you are not active duty, but you are, let's say, a military spouse, like you still get to benefit from that spirit of service amongst other spouses and other people in the community. So, you know, it's something that I continue to, like, just appreciate, you know,

: 17:23

yeah, that's really cool. Like how, I don't know, sorry, he said, service. And that totally got me because that that's one of my favorite things to do is, is to help others and hear other people's stories and just seeing how like you could be of help to others. That's probably the big hard thing. Yeah.

Jen Amos: 17:41

Well, you know, and it's kind of, like we said earlier, it's like, in order to be helpful to others, you know, it has to come from like, feeling good about yourself. And, you know, one of the other things you also wanted to share is, you know, I think even before you do that, you have to feel good about yourself. And part of that is adapting to change, right, like being able to go through the motions of military life. And so I know that that is one lesson that you also learned is to be adaptable to change. And once you do, you can learn to pivot and maneuver through this lifestyle. So I'm curious if you had any more thoughts about that, and sharing that with me offline.

: 18:16

There are too many instances to nail on top of my head. But like, being adaptable, especially in this lifestyle is so important. But also remembering you don't have to be might kind of sound double negative, strong, you're strong for asking for help. You're strong for you know, even if you're on a Facebook group asking for help whenever you don't have that support of your spouse or a friend. And I've seen so many people actually reach out and get the hell for random strangers that become best friends. That's what happened with me, I actually met a really good friend, I think Quantico when I had my son actually almost nearly died, having him postpartum had him and then I almost died afterwards, because they didn't, you know, realize I had a medical condition. Having that community and the availability through Facebook, because of that it actually saved my life, my mental health and also my physical life. So reaching out and just, it's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. Yeah. Because if you don't reach out, and you know, you're not going to get the help you need. That's one thing that's been the hardest for me, because I've always tried to do things on my own.

Jen Amos: 19:25

Yeah, I think if there's one thing that the military community does to all of us is depend on each other. You know, versus like, No, I can do this. I can be like the super spouse. Right? I can, like do it all. I can handle it all. I can juggle it all. And I think part of that evolution that I think every spouse and every member of this community goes through for that matter is getting to a place where it's like, I could do it all but I shouldn't do it. Like I should, you know, get help. And like you said, it's not a sign of weakness. It's not bad, you know, to do it, it actually is even more empowering. And one thing that we like Jenny Lynn and I had often mentioned in our past conversations is I like some people like to offer help, right? Some people find fulfilment in being there for you and listening to you and wanting to help you. And so I think like, just in that spirit of community, you know, which is a big thing we talk about on the show is so essential. And if anyone happens to be listening to this episode, and you forget that here's a good reminder again, you know,

: 20:19

the importance of community? Yes, most definitely. Yeah.

Jen Amos: 20:24

So you and your husband have basically been active duty for, you know, nearly a decade now. And although you identify as a military spouse, I know that it is extremely important for you to continue to chase after your dreams and passions. And so I know, one of the things that you currently are doing is, you know, being a developmental psychology college student. So tell us about that. And kind of how you decided to get into this field and, you know, study this in the midst of, I guess, everything from military life.

: 20:52

Oh, it's funny, because I kept going back before the change my major like, like, sometimes like,

: 20:57

oh, my gosh, that's more than me, I changed my major three times, like the first person who's changed your major more than me. It's amazing.

: 21:05

So I came upon it, because I love mental health. I think it's such an important aspect of who a person is. And so the reason why I chose developmental psychology is because I always wondered, What does a healthy family structure look like? Because I came from a family structure that wasn't actually, you know, fully put together, my parents were actually divorced. And I went through some stuff. And so I was like, Okay, well, then what does a family structure look like? How can a family flourish, despite the chaos and the ups and downs of life, and so I want to know, to the doctorate level, if possible with that, and I wanted to be a better mom, before, you know, since I have kids, and so that would actually help out as well, my husband and I, so diving into this, we want to open up a nonprofit, or maybe a nonprofit organization working with animals, and I'm hoping I can utilize my psychology degree at the doctorate level, so that we can help the military community with their with their mental health, as a family, or the service member, or the military spouse, whoever, you know, needs to help. And I 100% believe that animals, especially dogs, because my dog helped me through a lot of dark times, if we can train them to be of service to help people in the military community heal. I feel like that would be like such an awesome, awesome thing. And so my husband loves dogs, I love dogs. I'm hoping we can go further into other animals as well. We'll see like, where that leads. But yeah, that's my heart, my heart is for people and seeing them becoming whole and who they're meant to be. So if that makes any sense, and I really want to use animals.

Jen Amos: 22:53

Absolutely. I mean, I know that, you know, for many military families, it is difficult to have pets. You know, with every PCs, it's actually like really expensive. We had a past conversation about this, it's really expensive to like, you know, let's say send the dog from United States to South Korea. But either way, one thing that we've also been fortunate to have conversations with are people who started nonprofits, for veterans, and in the equestrian space, you know, like having horses and having veterans take care of horses. And I even see the I guess, like how therapeutic it is to witness my husband being a veteran having our dog. Just fun fact, our dog has never been alone, like ever, like, I mean, if he only been like 15 minutes, but we like for the five years, like this month, we celebrated his fifth birthday, or 3939 years in dog years. Apparently, there's a whole science behind it. Like apparently the first year. They're like, they they age, like by 15 years. And then after that they age, the second year is nine years. And then every year after that, it's like five years. That's what I found out, apparently. And so our dog is 39 years old, I was like, Oh, great. He's older than me. But anyway, you know, I just see how much he is happier because of our dog. And I do like kind of that strategy. In a sense. It's like sometimes, you know, part of therapy and healing is not necessarily through words. Sometimes it is difficult to explain, like what we've been through, but to let's say care for an animal. It's an action. It's, um, you know, putting someone before you in a sense, and I feel like that's sort of the spirit of our military community is like putting other people first in a sense, and, you know, to do that with animals, you know, that love you for it and don't like, you know, shame you for it or reprimand you for it. It's like I can I can really see how therapeutic that can be. And I really love that. That is something that you and your husband want to do in the future.

: 24:39

Yes. I'm very psyched about I can't wait like I wanted to also maybe do art. So for my doctors, I was gonna there's a school here that actually has art. It's crazy since the school I'm going to currently doesn't do the doctor level. So I'm hoping I can get accepted into that program and we expand beyond just start animal therapy. Yeah, hopefully maybe like into different art forms as well, depending on how long it takes me to get to the doctor level, which I guess it will take a while.

Jen Amos: 25:13

Yeah. Well, I mean, it'll keep you busy, right?

Unknown Speaker: 25:17

Yeah, definitely, yeah. Well, I

Jen Amos: 25:19

love that I love how, you know, in a way you have, you know, taking your experience of military life and being a military spouse and your husband, having served for nearly a decade now to, you know, to take into your studies and see what you could do to eventually give back in your own way. And I think that's one thing I really appreciate about the military community is that, you know, whether you're still in it, or you've already served, a lot of us are just, you know, we look out for each other, you know, like, we know our issues the best. And yes, the government does, its best to provide whatever resources or organizations we need. But they can only do so much, we can only take too much of our taxpayer dollars, to provide these services. And so to have people such as yourself that want to build something like this, I think is really inspiring.

: 26:04

Aside from like, just sharing that mental health shouldn't be taboo, I'm just going to say that it shouldn't be taboo, it is perfectly normal to get the help that you need, or your service member or any part of your family because it's super, super important. Yeah. To be mentally healthy, not just physically but mentally. Yeah. That's all I got to

Jen Amos: 26:26

know for sure. Yeah, I think that that is extremely important. And, you know, if you're not working on yourself outside of the military life, and you're not taking care of your mental health, I think it's really easy to become bitter, you know, in your experience, and I know, that's something that you wanted to mention as well, like, you know, it is important to take care of yourself, because you could be better. And I'm curious if you have a story where you actually arrive to that place of bitterness? Oh,

: 26:53

yeah, yes, yes. First Four Years will actually five years of marriage, it's a real shame to say, but like, at the same time, I'm very transparent and very vulnerable moment right now. But I honestly didn't like the lifestyle. I just like I hated my life, I just a because I quit my schools at 75%, I was starting to become a medical assistant. And so there was I'm not gonna say any names, but like, there was a individual that I met. And through one of the groups on Facebook, I was like, you should definitely like, move in together fast. And we were married at that time. And it's like, oh, cheating, the secret, you know, the whole, like, people will say that cheating is so high. But that's not always the case, you know, and so I started having insecurity issues. And so I quit my school, and it's one of my biggest regret is letting someone's opinion, affect the past of my dreams and goals. So I sent them became better that way. And also dealing with my own trauma from my past, which was pretty recent. At that time, I think it was, like 2013 to 2015. One of those years, but never, if I could, that's one of the biggest advice I'll get is if you're a new spouse, never let one's opinions, especially those who may be older, who are married, you know, to a service member, or even any age, for that matter, dictate your decisions on how you move and progress through your own life and through your own marriage and through your own goals, because it's important you make your own decisions, and let your decision making be based on what you want, and what you and your service member have talked about, you know, don't let the insecurities and the rumors be, you know, the basis.

Jen Amos: 28:39

Yeah, well, you know, thank you for sharing such a sensitive topic. We've had a conversation about this in the past of, you know, just this uncomfortable, unspoken clash, often between, let's say, military spouses and female service members and kind of the security of, you know, this, I would say valid, you know, this valid insecurity of, you know, possible cheating happening. And, you know, it's kind of a topic that we often don't bring up really on the show, just because it is quite a sensitive, delicate topic. But either way, what I'm hearing you say is that, you know, despite the advice you get from other, let's say seasoned spouses, it's still important for you to make your own decision at the day because, you know, we could it you know, I often say even to my friends, I said, you know, your your advice, and all is great, but I'm the one that has to live with the consequences. I'm the one that's going to have to deal with it. So like, Yes, I appreciate the advice. Thank you for telling me and I'm going to, I'm going to add that into my decision making process but it's not going to be like the dominant reason as to why I decided to do certain things. So I appreciate you, you know, sharing that and you know, it sounds like in a way you also felt a little bit robbed of your education because of those, you know, insecurities but it sounds like you're in a better place now to especially now that you're studying again, you know, to kind of own your life again, own your story and your confidence and and live this life the way You want to live it? Yeah,

: 30:01

I would like to add one more thing that I just wanted recently is as your spouse ranks up, they can be. And this is another transparent moment, it can be easy to feel like you're not moving up at the same rate, or maybe not at a rate at all. But it's okay to go through the feeling of jealousy, but to also remember that you're processing those strong emotions if you're human. But always remember that you're going through your own journey of pursuing your own passions and projects and goals. And your whole life isn't always defined by the military. I don't know if that makes any sense. Cuz I found myself going through feelings like that. I'm like, Really, but I just got this little certificate. And he's like, yeah, just did this. But yeah, it's a learning experience, you are an important person, too, is what I want to tell every, every dependent and also to celebrate with the military service member, despite feelings like that.

Jen Amos: 30:58

I think like, I think what you're saying and what they're when is your win, you know, like, what is it a couple years ago, my husband's business, we received an award, it was called was like, sort of entrepreneur of the year given to us through the Rosa network and sending a Business Journal. And he was the one that received the award, he was the one that gave the acceptance speech. And here I was feeling like, like, you know, I was kind of living under his shadow, but I have learned in time to be like, that was my win, too. Like, I am an award winning business, too, you know, because by accident, because I was a part of this effort. And so I think that being said, it's like, you know, his win is your win, too. And I definitely understand that feeling of like, kind of feeling behind or feeling like you're, you're falling behind, because you're, you know, helping, let's say your husband excel more in his career than yours. But it's like, I think it's a two way street. You know, I think eventually, in time, you'll be able to, you know, the tables will turn and hopefully your spouse will be able to support you. But in the meantime, you can still create space for yourself to succeed and find an identity outside of you know, outside of your husband. And not that that's like always the struggle of the military spouse. And I also don't like how I myself, I'm saying that starting with that context of being out, you know, doing stuff outside, but ultimately, what you're saying what I'm hearing you say is like just that importance of, you know, knowing your worth and knowing your identity and knowing that, you know, everyone is on their own journey of progress. And so, so yeah, I love that. And so one of the last thing, Victoria that you wanted to share is that, you know, networking is extremely important. Like we talked early on, we were talking about the importance of community community building, but not just community building, but you know, building community for your professional network. So tell us a little bit about that, and how building a professional network has looked like for you.

: 32:45

For me, it has looked like being on Facebook, and I didn't realize it actually could be a professional place. And discovering brute force has been like, like I said, an awesome game changer. I've met some really awesome people. And that's how I found out about Billy. And your mission analysis, I saw that I was like, Oh, that's really really cool. And then seeing kimbers mission and what she was doing through brute force and people like April Wilhelm, and just different other people. And it just honestly brings me a lot of joy seeing that. And it's helped expand my horizons on how I see myself in the future and what I want to do and what my dreams aren't, I never even knew really what that looked like until I started networking with people so well on Facebook and and also realizing the importance of LinkedIn. I thought, I never understood it. But I've met some really great people through LinkedIn as well. I learned that through brute force and my volunteer time there. What else? And I learned how to network professionally. And I didn't know that was even a thing. professional networking. Yeah, I was like, just apply for a job. And that's it. I didn't realize the power of networking. That's how I got one of my jobs, previous through to force but now I understand the power of networking is super important. No matter where we go. It's important, especially in the military community, to network with people, even if it's through your neighborhood virtually in any capacity of conferences, because you never know who you might meet and some awesome ideas might be coming up and it could be helpful to that person or to the community.

Jen Amos: 34:20

Yeah. You know, one of my favorite books, it's called upward spiral by Alex Korb. And he talks about, you know, one of the best ways to reduce depression is to be in community with people and not that we were talking about depression or anything, but it just reminded me about like, to me, it sounds like you're so level headed because you know, from talking about community at the very beginning to you discovering what professional networking is and seeing immediately seeing the benefits of that, you know, I think all of this is to say is that we need each other you know, like we need each other and we need to stay connected and especially now in the time of the pandemic where everyone is at home. I think building these really relationships is more important than ever. And you know, thank goodness, we have technology. I think if there's any time to be in a pandemic, in any time in history, it's this time, because we have zoom, we have Facebook, we have, you know, all these online groups. And we're also at a generation, I believe that values mental health, you know, if anything, especially in the military community, so yeah, you know, Maria Victoria, I just appreciate you know, everything you have shared all the lessons you have learned in this last decade of a military spouse life, is there anything else that comes to mind for you that you want to, you know, you want to share

: 35:34

to our listeners? Well, since we were talking about networking, and community, one of the things that I found very helpful to help connect others, and even whenever, I guess, as a military feeling moves, is to don't be ashamed to share your story, no matter what the other person may think, because you never know how it might help them. And you never know if it might open up a possibility for friendship. Of course, you know, you gauge you know, who you talk to, and stuff, but I mean, like, don't be ashamed of your past. Don't be ashamed of what you went through. both good and bad. Yeah, just you don't have to be ashamed of hiding who you are, if that makes any sense. Because it honestly will open up so many doors to so many different ways of healing opportunities, especially for this community that's constantly in transit and also constantly just on the go, You know what I mean? So super important to share your story. Yeah, word.

Jen Amos: 36:28

I love storytelling. You know, this is why our show and you know, our listeners at this point are probably like, Where's Jenny? Lynn? She hasn't like, chimed in this whole time. It's like, well, she had actually jump off. And so that's why she's not on our call today. But you know, that's what you don't hear a voice. But anyway, shout out to Jenny Lynn, hope you're doing okay. Whatever you had to jump off to it. Well, the reason why I love doing this show is really what we're doing is just exchanging stories, I think the fastest way to, you know, build friendship, other than laughter. And I think a smile is to share a story, right? Because it's like, oh, and you sharing your story. I can, like I can relate, you know, just like we were talking about how your relatives your grandparents were, you know, body shaming you essentially, it's like, I totally get that, you know, like, I totally understand that. And I bet like, that's not even just limited to the Filipino community I know, that can stretch out to basically all of America and all of the world, essentially. But you know, it's nice to be so transparent. And I think that when you are more transparent, you humanize yourself, and you allow other people to feel safer around you, and thus have them open up as well. So, you know, I just really appreciated our conversation today, Maria, Victoria, and all the lessons that you had to share. And I hope this was therapeutic for you, you know, just kind of reflect

: 37:40

very, very much so. Oh, yeah. I mean, you mentioned it to you said, laughing and smiling and joking. Honestly, that's another good thing. That's that's another healthy, healthy way of living this life. Especially military community. laughter and jokes. can never get old. Yeah, I love it.

Jen Amos: 37:58

Awesome. Well, Maria Victoria, I have absolutely enjoyed our conversation today. And I know that if Jenny led had the chance to be here, she would have as well, but let our listeners know if they want to get a hold of you and reach out. How can they do that? How can they find you online?

: 38:12

I do have a website set up because I have too many social media handles. It's you can find me at Maria Victoria Bennett saw calm and have my own social media links there.

Jen Amos: 38:21

Yeah, I hear you. I have like a million social media links as well. So I usually just say go to my website and whatever social media platform you like, I'm probably on there. Find history from my website. Well, awesome. Well, Maria, Victoria, thank you. Thank you so much for your time. It was an absolute pleasure having you here today. And to our listeners, we want to thank you all so much for listening. We hope you got a lot out of this conversation, and we'll chat with you in the next episode. Tune in next time.